Sibling Rivalry

What parents can do to reduce sibling rivalry

• Set clear family rules. Agree that hitting, threats, insults and damage to belongings are not acceptable. Let children know how to ask for help or take space before a disagreement escalates.
• Plan for predictable pressure points. Fights often cluster around tired times, transitions, chores, shared screens or getting ready for school. Routines, rosters and separate storage spaces can reduce avoidable friction.
• Aim for fair, not identical. Children of different ages and needs might have different responsibilities, bedtimes or support. Explain the reason calmly without sharing another child’s private information.
• Avoid comparisons and labels. Phrases such as “Why can’t you be like your sister?” can turn behaviour into a competition. Describe the specific behaviour you want to encourage instead.
• Make room for individual attention. Regular one-to-one time can help each child feel noticed. This doesn’t need to be elaborate. A short walk, game or conversation can be meaningful.
• Coach skills when everyone is calm. Practise taking turns, asking for a change, listening to another point of view and suggesting more than one solution. These skills are hard to learn in the middle of a heated fight.
• Notice cooperation. Give specific feedback when children share, wait, repair a mistake or respect each other’s space. Positive attention helps make the desired behaviour visible.

When a fight starts, keep your own voice steady and focus first on whether anyone might be hurt. Let children cool down before discussing what happened. Later, help them identify the trigger, hear each other’s perspective and decide what repair is needed. Repair might involve returning an item, helping rebuild something, replacing damaged property, giving space or offering a genuine apology.

For a more detailed skills-based guide, read Making Sibling Rivalry Work for Your Family.

When to step in

For a small disagreement between children with similar power and adequate skills, staying nearby without immediately solving it can give them a chance to practise. Step in when emotions are escalating, the children can’t stop, property might be damaged or anyone could be hurt.

Separate children calmly and focus on safety first. Avoid conducting an investigation while everyone is overwhelmed. When they are settled, hear each child’s account separately if needed. Fairness does not require assuming that everyone is equally responsible, particularly when one child has used force, threats or intimidation.

Conflict is a disagreement between people who can each express their needs and recover. Bullying involves repeated behaviour intended to hurt, frighten or control someone, often where there is a power imbalance. Repeated humiliation, exclusion, coercion, threats or physical aggression should not be dismissed as ordinary sibling rivalry. Take a child seriously if they say they feel unsafe. If there is immediate danger or serious injury, call 000.

When to seek extra support

Consider professional support when conflict won’t stop, is regularly physical, aggressive or menacing, leaves a child frightened or distressed, affects sleep, school or relationships, or is placing significant strain on family life. Start with your GP or another trusted health professional.

If you would like practical guidance to use at home, our Emotional Clusters in Families parent webinar looks directly at sibling rivalry, blame cycles and differences in parenting approaches. Families dealing with broader power struggles may also find the Managing Oppositional Behaviour online course useful for strengthening cooperation and reducing everyday conflict. Choose the option that best matches the pattern in your family. Workshops provide general education and are not a substitute for individual assessment when safety or significant distress is involved.

A parent or carer consultation can be a useful first step. A psychologist can help clarify the pattern, consider each child’s needs and discuss practical options. Depending on the circumstances, next steps might include parent guidance, child or family sessions or referral to another service. You can also contact the Quirky Kid team to discuss an appropriate starting point.