How to Calm a Child's Fear of Death and Dying

2. Use the correct words

Parents should avoid using euphemisms such as “passed on”, “gone to heaven” or “asleep” when talking about death. “It’s important to use words like ‘death’, ‘dead’ and ‘dying’ rather than euphemisms,” explains Amber. “These sayings may seem more child-friendly, but they could confuse your child or even misinform them that death is temporary or reversible.”

If you feel uncomfortable discussing death, it can help to talk about it in biological terms. “Research has shown (Lee et al., 2008) that sharing information about the cycle of life and how the body works can have a positive impact on children’s understanding of death,” says Amber. “If you see a dead bug or animal, it’s important to explain it in a biological way or your child’s imagination might create scenarios that are actually scarier than the truth. You can say that when something dies, its heart stops beating and its body stops working. Focusing on the functionality of death can help if you’re feeling anxious about the conversation.”

3. Use age-appropriate terms

While it’s important to expose children to the concept of death from an early age, it should be done in age-appropriate terms. “If you’re talking to a young person about death and dying, it will be drastically different than talking to a teenager about it,” says Amber. “Younger children might struggle to understand that death is final, especially when TV shows have characters bouncing back after hurting themselves. But as they get older, they start to realise the finality of death and that’s when anxiety can start to creep in. They might get scared of zombies, ghosts and all kinds of things associated with death.”

When they reach late childhood and adolescence, children may start to worry about what will happen to their parents and grandparents. “Continue to have regular conversations with them and address their concerns,” says Amber. How? We’re glad you asked...

4. Be realistically reassuring

“When children ask, ‘When are you going to die?’, ‘What will I do when you die?’ and other existential worries, it’s natural for parents to want to reassure them by saying, ‘Don’t be silly, I’m going to be here until I’m really old’,” says Amber. “While we do that with the best intentions, it could confuse children because they’ve likely seen parents die on TV, so they have that understanding. If your child brings up specific worries such as dying of illness, address their concerns by explaining, ‘That’s why, as a family, we eat well and exercise. We do all that to stay fit and help our bodies keep going.’”

Amber explains that this “realistically reassuring” approach is the best way to address children’s worries about death. “Instead of denying what we see as an irrational fear, we offer support and validate that it’s OK to feel anxious about losing someone you love,” she explains.

5. Address spiritual beliefs in combination with biological facts

People whose faith is an important part of their lives often wonder when it’s appropriate to share it with their children. “If you have religious beliefs or a particular perspective on the afterlife, sharing them with your children can provide some comfort and allow them to understand different perspectives on death and dying,” says Amber.

However, Amber recommends combining biological facts with religious and spiritual beliefs to give children a holistic view. “That way, you’ll encourage them to come to their own conclusions while sharing your beliefs and exploring others’,” Amber explains. “You won’t give them any mixed signals and you’ll help them be more open and accepting of other people’s ways of thinking.”

6. Consider getting a pet

Having small pets can allow younger children to be exposed to death without having an overwhelming emotional response. “A pet can be really helpful in helping guide children’s understanding of death because it teaches them that death is a part of life,” says Amber. 

“You can start by talking about death when your child finds a dead ladybird and then consider getting a goldfish, or maybe even a guinea pig,” she explains. “It’s a form of graded exposure where you start small and build up so they can one day cope with the death of the family dog or a family member.”

7. Recommended children’s books

“There are several wonderful books out there to help families discuss death and dying,” says Amber. “The more you read them, the more everyone will become comfortable with the topic.”

Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between teaches children that there is a beginning and ending to everything that is alive, but there’s a lifetime in between. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney is a beautiful 1971 classic about a family coming to terms with the loss of their cat while The Invisible Leash teaches children that an invisible leash connects their heart to their pet’s heart forever - even when they’re no longer alive.

Death and dying aren’t easy topics to discuss, so we need to start by addressing our own fears and using an honest and factual approach with our children. The truth - in age-appropriate terms - will set us free.

Need help? We’re here for you

The Quirky Kid Clinic is a unique place for children and adolescents aged 2 to 18 years. We work from the child’s perspective to help them find their own solutions.

If you’re worried your child’s fear of death is becoming phobic or obsessive or they’re expressing suicidal ideation, you should seek professional help. You can book a session with one of our experienced child psychologists or contact us for more information.

‍If you’re concerned for your child’s welfare, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. If their life is in danger, call 000 immediately.