Building Resilience and Encouraging Independence

In this chapter, we'll delve into the concept of independence and explore its significance in your child's development. We'll define age-appropriate independence and discuss how it differs from overprotective parenting. By understanding the building blocks of independence and its positive impact on a child's self-esteem and resilience, you'll be equipped with essential insights to support your child's emotional growth.

To set the scene, let's introduce you to a typical presentation at Quirky Kid. We'll meet Sarah, a devoted mother of three boys. Sarah wants her eldest son, James, to become more independent. At almost 12 years old, James tends to watch TV after school and relies on his mom for many tasks. Despite his peers riding bikes, Sarah hesitates to let James ride when she's not around, fearing potential risks. Sarah's concern is not uncommon in this era of anxiety, but nurturing independence is crucial for a child's growth. So, let's discover how you can help your child become more independent in age-appropriate ways.

Why Develop Independence?

According to Los Angeles child psychiatrist Patrick Kelly, the stronger the attachment between parents and their babies, the more comfortable those children will be doing things independently as they grow.

A secure-attachment style requires parents to be empathetic, attuned, responsive and able to set age-appropriate expectations for their child. This will ensure children are comfortable being alone for brief periods of time. In those moments, toddlers can start developing independence by feeding or entertaining themselves for the purpose of building self-esteem, resilience and a solid sense of pride from a young age.

When school-aged children feel safe, stable, and satisfied within the parent-child relationship, they are more likely to approach new situations with curiosity, like school camp. A secure-attachment style is the foundation young people need to develop close and meaningful relationships with peers. Greater independence results in less “clingy” or anxiety-driven behaviours in a social context too. This is a win for parents and children alike.

By leaning on our community for support (by asking for suggestions to solve a daily dilemma or by sharing your own tried and tested contacts with a new friend), you’re developing a sense of trust in those around you. Building a trusted support network is a great way to counteract anxiety before helping your child to branch out independently. According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, John Bowlby 66% of children are securely attached - A journey which starts from infancy and leads to long-lasting relationships in adulthood. Watching a child thrive independently is a credit to their parents.

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As we continue our journey, let's explore how to set your child on the pathway to independence.

We'll start by identifying age-appropriate life skills that serve as stepping stones toward greater independence. Before the age of two years, infants may insist on feeding themselves as soon as a spoon is introduced. This can be time-consuming and messy, but by praising the daily improvements and by sharing these achievements with family, young children start to develop a sense of pride in their efforts.

Build on your child’s motivation to be more independent by encouraging them to swim with you and starting using simple sign language to signify words or activities, like “ball” after you point to the ball and use the word. This helps the child to put the visuals and the word together, plus it’s fun if the whole family uses the same language and visual prompts for better communication around.

For older children, follow their interests and do some exploring.

Most children want more responsibilities. Being encouraged to choose their own outfit or to sit in the shower instead of the bath can feel like a gift. Use a Skills Gap Analysis by mapping the routines throughout your day and next highlighting your child’s ‘skill gaps’ (ie: tying shoe laces; putting on a seat belt or organising their own playdate).

Knowing what takes the most time and effort in terms of assisting your child, will help you to prioritise certain areas in need of greater independence. Taking the time to train your young person will be worth the effort. Practising new skills may be more fun if you put on music or use a fun story format to keep your young person engaged. Giving up may cross your mind, but teaching patience is also an important life lesson, so make yourself a hot drink or put on your most comfortable shoes (and bra, if you’re buxom) to teach your child to ride a bike. Accelerating independence requires a nurturing environment, and you play a key role in this process.

Your willingness to embrace new challenges alongside your child starts with the language and voice tone you use to introduce the day ahead. Set the scene and make it beautiful. I remember joining a 6am Run Club which was definitely outside my comfort zone. I felt nervous, self conscious and out of place until the leader whispered “Good morning” and quietly said, “As the sun rises, we’re going to take a lovely, gentle run into the breeze”. I immediately felt more open to the experience.

Try Something New

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Now, it’s your turn to nudge yourself outside your comfort zone.

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Take this opportunity to list at least three new challenges you’d like to set for yourself to further develop your independence.

• Can you see yourself delivering a keynote at your next conference, or applying for the King Island Artist Residency (Tasmania)?
• What about joining your local Community Garden?

Create a new document or go find a pen and dream up your next three challenges - Make them fun! After all, children should feel motivated to take on a new stage of independence, just like you.

You'll be amazed at how your personal growth inspires your child to embrace independence with enthusiasm. Remember to share your feelings related to this whole process with your child.

• Do you feel excited by the prospect of something new, or daunted by the risk of failure? If so, think about previous times you’ve “bounced back” and tried again. We all know from experience that resilience is built by overcoming obstacles.

So, it’s essential to share the hurdles you’ve scaled and the associated emotions with your child. Lived experience is a valuable tool in any journey towards greater independence. Now, let's explore some practical techniques to help psychologically prepare your child to take the next step on the pathway to total independence.

First Technique: The Beanstalk Approach

In this technique, we'll use a creative and visual approach to map your child's journey of independence. The beanstalk will represent their pathway, starting from age 2 and extending to their current age. Together, we'll draw symbols representing past achievements like learning to drink from a sippy cup or riding a scooter.

As your child shares their goals for the future, you'll help them chart new milestones. Leading by example, you can add your own challenges to the beanstalk. By witnessing your courage and openness to new experiences, your child will be inspired to pursue their aspirations.

Second Technique: Tell Me A Story Game

Storytelling is a powerful tool to foster resilience and celebrate achievements. The "Tell Me A Story Game" will draw out your child's strengths and highlight their past accomplishments related to independence. As each family member shares their stories, your child will be motivated by the support and encouragement of their loved ones.

You can use these stories to remind your child of their resilience during challenging times, empowering them to overcome future obstacles.

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To wrap things up, let’s take to the streets and see what’s happening in the world. This will help you and your child to be inspired to take on even more new challenges. Creating a growth-oriented environment for our children to explore, play and learn new skills takes some thinking. 

Do some detective work together. Take photos as you embark on new activities. Call it research as you capture information on flyers at your local cafe - Point out what interests you and what you’d like to try, and then follow it up. Let your child know the outcome!

What were you feeling as you pulled up in the carpark of your first Salsa class? Did you consider turning around and giving up? Share it all and make light of your emotions by laughing and staying positive. If you pull out of a challenge you set yourself, try setting an easier challenge to increase your chances of success. 

Another way to learn about embracing independence is by asking questions. Phone the bus company and ask approximately how many children under 7 years catch the bus independently. Use “Speaker Phone” so your child can listen to the facts, rather than relating the message to eliminate the chance of bias. Fact-finding could also involve spying through windows and doors. Look inside a karate class with your young person to see what it’s all about. Is there shouting? What sort of facial expressions do you see?

This is all part of the research and should be praised as the first step in starting something new.

Keep a list and use a rating scale to record all the activities and new skills you’ve explored with your child. You may score Indoor rock-climbing a 5 out of 5, while your child might give it a 4 out of 5 due to background noise. Value your child’s perspective and follow their lead as much as possible, except if they’re prone to avoid every tiny step towards independence.

If that’s the case, a third person’s perspective may help you unravel some old patterns - A video call with a child psychologist using child-focused activities may bring new ideas and enthusiasm. Check out Britechild.com  if this sounds interesting.

Recommended reading:

Children’s Books: 

1. The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
2. Muhammad Ali: A Kid's Book About Being Courageous by Mary Nhin
3. Essential Life Skills for Tweens: Tips and Advice for Developing Independence, Self-Awareness and Positive Relationships by Noah Donegan.

Parent’s Recommended Reading:

1. Empowering Independence: A Guide To Raising Responsible Children Kindle Edition by Margaret D. Hicks 
2. ChildHood Independence Article Quirky Kid
3. Podcast: Separation Anxiety & School Camps