Social Skills in Children: Friendship and Communication

Why Social Situations Can Be Difficult

Social participation is shaped by the child and the environment. Possible contributors include limited opportunities to practise, anxiety, attention or impulse-control difficulties, speech or language differences, hearing problems, learning difficulties, sensory needs, autism, low mood, trauma or a recent transition.

Sometimes the main problem is not the child's skill. Bullying, racism, disability discrimination, inaccessible activities or a peer group that does not share the child's interests can make participation unsafe or unrewarding. Adults should address these conditions directly rather than teaching the child to tolerate mistreatment.

A careful assessment considers strengths, development, culture, communication, health and information from home, school and other settings. Social anxiety can also limit participation even when a child understands what to do. See our guide to social anxiety in children for that distinction.

How Parents Can Build Social Skills

1. Start with the child's goal

Choose something specific and meaningful, such as joining a lunchtime game, asking for a turn or responding after a disagreement. Avoid goals based on appearing typical, making constant eye contact or having many friends.

2. Break the skill into small steps

For joining a game, the steps might be watching briefly, finding out the rules, approaching one familiar child, asking a short question and accepting either answer. Teach the steps when everyone is calm.

3. Model and practise

Use toys, drawings, short scripts or role-play. Let the child choose words or another communication method that feels natural. Practise more than one possible response so the script remains flexible. Feedback should be concrete and kind: what worked, what was unclear and what the child wants to try next.

4. Create low-pressure opportunities

Shared-interest activities and time with one compatible peer may be easier than an unstructured large group. Keep early practice short, provide an exit plan and review the experience privately afterwards.

5. Coach conflict and repair

Disagreement is part of friendship. Help the child separate the problem from the person, describe what happened, listen to another view, state a boundary, suggest a solution and apologise when appropriate. Do not require an apology or reconciliation when a child feels unsafe or there is a power imbalance.

6. Support regulation first

A child who is highly anxious, angry or overloaded may not be ready to analyse an interaction. Reduce the immediate demand, help them regulate and revisit the event later. Sensory adjustments, advance notice and predictable routines can make social learning more accessible.

7. Work with school

Agree on one or two observable goals with the child and educators. Helpful supports can include a trusted adult, structured clubs, a planned peer partner, explicit group roles, quieter spaces and discreet prompts. Monitor whether the support increases genuine participation rather than compliance.

If exclusion is the concern, read Social Exclusion at School. Repeated harmful behaviour requires a safety and school response, not only social-skills coaching.

What to Avoid

• forcing eye contact, touch, smiling or a particular tone of voice
• correcting the child publicly or comparing them with siblings and peers
• calling the child rude, awkward, manipulative or unempathetic
• rehearsing a single script so rigidly that it cannot adapt to the situation
• arranging every interaction without giving the child choice
• treating bullying or exclusion as evidence that the child needs to change
• rewarding a child for hiding discomfort or suppressing harmless differences.

Some children use learned social behaviours to conceal distress or neurodivergent traits. Support should improve communication, autonomy and belonging, not teach a child to mask at the expense of wellbeing.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider speaking with a GP, paediatrician, psychologist, speech pathologist, occupational therapist or audiologist when difficulties are persistent, cause distress or interfere with school, friendships, family life or safety. The most suitable professional depends on the question being assessed.

Seek help sooner when there is significant bullying, school avoidance, loss of skills, low mood, self-harm, eating or sleep changes, or a sudden marked change in social behaviour. If a child is in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000). Kids Helpline is available on 1800 55 1800.

How Quirky Kid Can Help

A Quirky Kid psychologist can explore the child's strengths, goals and social context, consider whether anxiety or other developmental factors are involved and help families plan practical support. This may include parent guidance, child sessions, school collaboration or referral to another professional. Learn about child psychology consultations.

Schools and clinics looking for a structured approach to friendship, communication, emotional awareness and conflict resolution can explore The Best of Friends® program.

Key Points for Parents

• Social skills develop over time and vary across cultures, settings and communication styles.
• Focus on the child's goals, safety and meaningful participation, not popularity or appearing typical.
• Teach one skill explicitly, practise it in low-pressure situations and review it with the child.
• Address anxiety, sensory needs, bullying and environmental barriers when they contribute.
• Seek assessment when difficulties are persistent, distressing or interfere with daily life.

Clinical disclaimer: This resource provides general educational information. It does not diagnose a condition or replace advice from a qualified professional who understands the child's circumstances.