Social Exclusion at School

Signs a Child May Need Support

Children do not always describe exclusion directly. Changes in behaviour can be an invitation to check in, rather than proof that bullying is occurring. You might notice:

• reluctance to attend school, activities or social events
• distress before or after school
• sudden changes in friendships or group-chat participation
• frequent physical complaints without a clear medical explanation
• changes in sleep, appetite, mood or confidence
• lost belongings, damaged property or unexplained requests for money
• withdrawal from interests or increased time alone

Start with curiosity. A calm observation such as, “You seem quieter after school this week. I’m here if something has happened”, is often easier to answer than a rapid series of questions.

How Parents Can Respond

1. Listen before solving. Thank your child for telling you. Let them know the behaviour is not their fault and that they deserve to feel safe and respected. Avoid telling them to ignore it, toughen up or not take it personally.
2. Understand the pattern. Ask what happened, who was involved, where it occurred and what your child would like to happen next. Separate facts from assumptions while taking their feelings seriously.
3. Agree on the next step. Involve your child in decisions wherever safety allows. Older children may be especially concerned about adults acting without their knowledge. Explain clearly when you need to involve the school or another adult.
4. Contact the school early when there is a pattern. Share specific examples and ask how the school will investigate, protect the child’s privacy, reduce further harm and follow up. Keep a brief record of dates, behaviours and responses.
5. Protect connection outside the difficult group. Support time with respectful peers, relatives, teams, clubs or community groups. The goal is not to make a child more popular. It is to help them experience safe, reciprocal relationships.
6. Practise help-seeking. Identify trusted adults and safe places at school. Rehearse simple phrases such as, “Please stop”, “I’m going to get help” or “Can I stay with you?” A child should not be expected to confront a group when doing so could increase the risk.

For more guidance about repeated peer harm, see our article on bullying in primary school.

What Schools Can Do

Social exclusion is often subtle, so a school response should look beyond a single incident. Effective steps can include:

• listening to the child privately and explaining what will happen next
• observing patterns across classrooms, playgrounds, activities and online spaces connected with school
• identifying a trusted staff member and predictable check-in times
• adjusting supervision or group arrangements without publicly singling out the child
• documenting incidents, actions and follow-up
• supporting children who witnessed the behaviour to seek help safely
• addressing the needs and behaviour of every child involved rather than relying on punishment alone
• reviewing whether the response has reduced harm and restored participation

Forced apologies, mediation or immediate reconciliation may not be appropriate when there is a power imbalance or a child feels unsafe. Schools should follow their bullying and student-wellbeing policies and work with the family on a practical safety and participation plan.

Schools and clinics wanting a structured approach to friendship, communication and conflict skills can explore The Best of Friends® program. Families can also view the current The Best of Friends® group program.

Online Social Exclusion and Cyberbullying

Exclusion can continue through messages, group chats, games and social platforms. Removing a child’s device immediately can unintentionally cut them off from supportive friends or evidence of what occurred.

Help your child preserve screenshots or other evidence, use the platform’s reporting and blocking tools and review privacy settings together. Serious cyberbullying should first be reported to the service or platform. If it is not resolved, families in Australia may be able to report serious cyberbullying to eSafety.

When to Seek Extra Help

Consider speaking with the school counsellor, your GP or a psychologist when distress is persistent, affects sleep or appetite, contributes to school avoidance or interferes with everyday life. Psychological support can help a child process what happened, strengthen coping and communication skills and rebuild safe participation. It should not replace action by the adults and systems responsible for stopping harmful behaviour.

If a child talks about suicide, self-harm, harming someone else or being in immediate danger, seek urgent help. Call Triple Zero (000) when there is immediate risk. Children and young people can also contact Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.

Families who would like individual guidance can learn more about child psychology consultations or talk to the Quirky Kid team.

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