When should my child be sleeping in his own bed?
Children often sleep alongside parents or siblings as they are growing up. This practice is termed “co-sleeping”, and typically, it occurs on a nightly basis for an extended period of time: weeks, months, or in some cases, years. Many families find co-sleeping a good way spend time together and bond as a family, or to reduce their child’s stress around falling asleep or waking during the night. It is also popular among breastfeeding mothers during their child’s infancy.
While sharing a bed might ease pressures on families while children are very young, the habit of co-sleeping can pose problems as children mature. By the time their children are 2 – 2 1/2 years old, most parents will be eager to have them sleep easily through the night in their own beds.
Why should my child learn to sleep alone?
Encouraging independent sleep in children as they mature is important for several reasons:
- Extended co-sleeping can discourage children from achieving what’s known as “night time independence”. Children with night time independence are confident that they can fall asleep on their own, and know how to comfort themselves if they are stressed or anxious around sleep – key steps in healthy emotional development.
- Frequently, pre-school and school-aged children have fitful sleep cycles. Having a child kicking, tossing and turning in their bed can interrupt parents’ sleep, leading to exhaustion and stress throughout the day.
- Parental intimacy is often compromised when their children sleep with them. This can have a detrimental effect on a couple’s relationship, affecting communication and physical closeness.
How do I break the cycle of co-sleeping with my school-aged child?
If your child refuses to sleep alone, or wakes up crying during the night, and only stops when you are near, he might be experiencing separation anxiety at night. This pattern is also known as “night-time separation anxiety”. Night-time separation anxiety is common among children up to 3 years old, but older children can experience it as well.
Here are some things you can do to ease night time separation anxiety and help your child sleep alone:
- Develop a regular daily routine. The same waking, nap time, and bedtimes will help your child feel secure, which can help them fall asleep more easily. Have a bedtime routine – for example, bath followed by story time and a brief cuddle. Consistency and clear communication is key.
- Keep lights dim in the evening and expose your child’s room to light, preferably natural, as he wakes. These light patterns stimulate healthy sleep-wake cycles.
- Avoid putting your child to sleep with too many toys in his bed, which can distract him from sleeping. One or two “transitional objects”, like a favourite blanket or toy, however, can help a child get to sleep more easily.
- Don’t use bedtime as a threat. Model healthy sleep behaviour for your child, and communicate that sleep is an enjoyable and healthy part of life.
- Avoid stimulants like chocolate, sweet drinks, TV and computer use before bed time. Children ideally need to relax and “wind down” for at least 1 hour before bed time.
Some other strategies to reduce your child’s dependence on co-sleeping include:
- Wean your child from your bed over time. For example, you might plan to spend part of the night on a mattress on the floor of your child’s bedroom or sleep with him for a few hours in his bed before returning to your own.
- Use a baby monitor to help a child who wakes at night communicate with you or your partner. This will also reduce the likelihood of him walking to your bedroom. If your child communicates to you through the monitor, visit him in his bed to reduce disturbance.
- Use rewards, such as The Quirky Kid Tickets to measure improvements in your child’s independent sleeping. For example, a partial night spent in his own bed will earn him a yellow ticket, while a full night sleeping alone will get him a red one. The child might collect tickets to exchange them for a prize.
We offer a range of services, workshops and individualized consultations to support children with sleeping difficulties. Please contact us for more information.
Parent can also discuss sleeping issues at the Quirky Kid Huddle – our parenting forums.
Recommended Resources:
There are a range of resources we make available for children at the Quirky Kid Shoppe.
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Sources:
University of Michigan Health System (2011). Sleep problems. Retrieved September 23, 2011 from http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sleep.htm
Brazelton, T. Berry and Joshua D. Sparrow (2003). Sleep: The Brazelton Way. Perseus Books.
Kimberley O’Brien (2011). Interview on Co-Sleeping with children and strategies for parents.
Keller, M. A. and Goldberg, W. A. (2004), Co-sleeping: Help or hindrance for young children’s independence?. Infant and Child Development, 13: 369–388.
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6 Responses to “Co-sleeping with Children”
1. Angela
November 20th, 2011 @ 3:00 pm
I have co slept with my son since birth. He is now 3 years old and I have been told by his daycare that he is one of the most independent intelligent children they have. I breastfed for 27months. He has never really experienced separation anxiety either. He is incredibly social and happy. I have friends who co sleep and also never had issues. I have friends who do not co sleep and do have issues and visa versa.
I have 1 more subject to finish my undergraduate psyc degree and looking at honors.
I intend to keep co sleeping also.
I am wondering how you came up with your conclusions and what empirical evidence can you provide to back up your opinions.
I am also wondering, if you have considered that in many other parts of the world, co sleeping is the norm. Have you considered that you may be imposing a relatively new Western model on families?
Are you suggesting that the millions upon millions
(if not billions) of families who choose to live this way are indeed creating anxious sleepers?
What research has been done on cultures other than the west? Or is this just another theory created by western society suggesting a normal way of living for countless families around the world is indeed creating abnormal sleep anxieties?
I have read through a lot of your resources and do indeed like many of them. But, do not agree with this. Sorry.
2. Tania
December 15th, 2011 @ 4:16 am
With regard to Angela’s response, the mere fact you read this article means that you were obviously questioning your decision.
As a mother of four, there are no definites in raising children; however, a child that can not easily and comfortably retreat to his own bed and securely – by using his own tools – fall asleep may feel anxiety. Putting a child in a situation that they only depend on a parent to sleep can be extremely stressful for a child…what happens when that child needs to sleep at another persons home?
What others may do or not do in other parts of the world is not relevant…what is best for that child is usually best administered by that parent – by what I feel are their own natural intuitive responses… years ago, before we had all this research, books, media…all we had to base our parenting skills on was what we knew instinctively and what we learned from our parents.
I co-slept with a couple of my children until they were 1 or 2 and a couple, not at all… what I learned (which seems to be forgotten in all these discussions) is this – we as parents need our own privacy as well. We need to be able to have sex when we want…we need to be able to thrash around the bed during sleep if we want…we should be able to turn the lights off when we want…and when we have children sleeping in our beds …all that is gone. It is difficult enough in this world to keep a marriage together or have any intimacy … I think its extremely important that the parents needs also need to be addressed. If the parents are not happy the children are not… its a domino effect. Are we so afraid to be judged as selfish or a “bad parent” to admit that we need our children to ALSO learn to sleep alone for our own sake??? And since, there are no facts to prove an older child 3+ shouldn’t sleep alone… why wouldn’t you want them to do so?
I am not a psychologist or counselor …just a simple mother of four – married, divorced, single, child with bi-polar, child with PDD, girls, boys…
There is truly no need to defend yourself and how you parent…just do what you feel is best… and stop trying to prove its correct…because only you should care…
3. Angela
December 18th, 2011 @ 2:30 pm
@Tania. Thank you for your response. I certainly agree that it is indeed imperative for individual families make choices based on what is best for their own needs and circumstances. It is also important to understand the difference between parents who feel guilty and co sleep because are motivated by guilt, and also parents who choose to co sleep because they choose to and feel it is best for their child.
Your statement claiming that what happens in other places in the world is irrelevant is not only incorrect, but really dismissive of what may indeed be right for other families. For instance, co sleeping works for millions of people, but it does not work for you or other families. Does that mean it does or does not work?
You are speaking from a personal perspective which to me is really important and valid for you. However, it seems as though you have misunderstood my point entirely.
Let me see if I can explain it better. Western psychology has been based on research primarily done on white middle class citizen. This has its merits, as we may be able to make some generalizations from those studies. But, those generalizations are indeed incredibly;y limited. For example, the psychologist in question has stated point blank that parents must not co sleep, that research proves it will cause sleep disorders. This may be relative to the sample of that study. It may not however be relative to a much wider sample of people. That is why, I asked the questions I did, as it is critical for this kind of disclosure when professionals make some sweeping claims.
On the contrary, there is research suggesting that co sleeping is more beneficial. But again, I am reluctant to make any sweeping generalizations purely from the samples used.
I am more inclined to agree with you on the point that it is important for families to make choices based on their own individual needs and wants. I will add that regardless of what we believe, we need to be flexible with those beliefs and not hold on to them too tightly. As such, we will be better equipped to make changes when things no longer work for us
I know many families who make the choice to co sleep and the consequences are positive. However, I also know families who co sleep out of guilt and obligation and that can be tiresome. I also know many families who do not co sleep and it is fine too.
The point of my post was that such sweeping generalizations in a profession setting like this need to be substantiated. The research the author is referring to may well be valid and reliable,- therefore the claims can be generalized. However, I need to do a critical analysis of it before I will accept it. .
p.s. I have always co slept with my son and he happily sleeps at his grandmothers and his fathers. I am his primary carer. I think the important point in sleep overs especially when children are young is that they have a secure attachment to you, so that they know and trust you enough that you will be there for them the next day. They also depending on the age, MUST have a secure attachment with them also. I think it would be awful for a 2 year old to be with someone who they have no attachment too. That would be scary for them. But for a 10 year old, it is not so important.. I do not believe it is appropriate for a baby to be away from their primary caregiver at all unless they are securely attached to the other person involved.
4. Leonardo Rocker
December 18th, 2011 @ 6:18 pm
Dear user,
Thank your for participating in the discussion and making this a useful resources to all parents.
In order to make this discussion more interactive, safe and easy to moderate you may prefer to continue it on our forum at :http://childpsychologist.com.au/forum/topic/co-sleeping-with-children?replies=1#post-130
Kind regards
Leonardo Rocker
Quirky Kid team member
5. Rebecca Ridding
February 14th, 2012 @ 1:52 pm
My son is 4 and co sleep with me every night. We do not do this because he has trouble sleeping, We have a bedtime routine and he always falls asleep after I have left the room. I have been told that he should be sleeping alone as is the norm in my social group, which is why I read this article, however I do not see why it is deemed acceptable for adult couples to choose to sleep together (for love and companionship) and not for a parent and a child especially if it is not disrupting an intimate adult relationship e.g. in the case of single parents. My son is independent and strong minded (as am I) and has no problem playing or interacting with children and adults. He is not afraid of the dark, has never had nightmares and I ask him regularly if he wishes to sleep in his own bed. He is very aware that he is sleeping in my bed, and I am confident that when he decides that he wants to sleep in his own he will do so. Until then, we will continue to co sleep.
6. Michelle
April 30th, 2012 @ 2:19 pm
Hi,
I know this is an old topic but I’m looking for guidance on this issue. My son is 8 and still sleeps in bed with me. I thought he would grow out of it in his own time but it’s not working out that way. As he has gotten older there have been periods where he was happy to sleep by himself for a few weeks/months but he always prefers to sleep with me and finds a way to sneak in during the night until it has become a habit again. I’m starting to feel like he’s too old for this, but if it’s causing anxiety for him to sleep alone should I make an issue of it? I’m a single parent so it’s only me in the big bed otherwise. Any advice?
Michelle
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