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• Posted 4 months ago
• By singlemummy
• Latest reply from Belinda
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1. singlemummy
   Member
   Posted 4 months ago
   #

   My daughter will be 4 in a few months. For the most part she is a bright, happy, social girl but she struggles with relationship boundaries and social behaviour problems.
   I am a single mum and my daughters father has never been in her life as we separated while i was in the late stages of my pregnancy. We have lived with my parents and my younger brother since she was born. She seems to struggle with the fact that she does not have a father figure in her life even though she has her poppy and uncle living with her. I try to explain that she is lucky to have a big family with lots of people that love her and that all families are different and don't necessarily have a mum and a dad.
   For the past year i have been struggling with trying to teach her about strangers and how to behave around people she does not know. She is not shy at all and if we are waiting at a bus stop or at a park she immediately starts a conversation with any adult she can, predominantly male ones, and proceeds to tell them about herself and wants to hold their hand or sit on their lap. I think this is obviously stemming from her lack of father figure but i am at a loss as to what to do about it. It is really embarrassing for me and normally for the stranger as well. If i try to get her to leave them alone she gets upset and goes into tantrum mode and says she is just being friendly. My countless attempts to teach her that this is not the way to behave are falling on deaf ears. She is also like this if we have visitors over and is completely dominating and in their face and not wanting to leave them alone.
   She is not an emotionally deprived child and her and i are very close and enjoy lots of cuddles and affection. She has been attending day care for 3-4 days per week since she was 12 months old why i have been going to uni and this year has just started a pre-kindy program 2 days per week instead of day care. I have put my studies on hold this year to spend more time with her before she goes to school.
   Any help or advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated! The whole family is becoming very frustrated with this behaviour to the point where i dread visitors coming over!

2. Belinda
   Member
   Posted 3 months ago
   #

   Dear singlemummy,

   Thanks for your post, it sounds like a tricky situation! Children learn social norms by experience and it can take a while to develop sound and healthy social skills. Developing social skills and understanding social norms usually involve a combination of watching and learning from the modeling of parents, caregivers and other significant people; overt teaching or instruction in social skills by parents, caregivers and significant people; and a trial and error experiential approach to the application of these skills by the child.

   Social skills and social norms are actually incredibly complicated and nuanced, children usually following a pattern of lots of small steps over a long period of time to develop and master each step. In assisting children to develop healthy social skills it is important to praise appropriate behaviour and discuss concepts such as "friendliness" and "caring". Stories and metaphor often make material more engaging for children, books such as "How to be a friend", "I'm shy" and "The Sneetchers" allowing you to have conversations about the characters rather than about the child. This means children are less likely to become defensive or unsure of how to respond.

   In regards to your daughter's difficulties around her father's absence, this is a common time period where children begin to understand the implications of differences and family make-up. It can help to use photos and stories of the absent parent to assist a child in developing an internal representation of this parent, even if as an ex-partner you may not have a positive view of this person. Things like physical resemblance, personality traits and mannerisms can help a child develop a sense of connection to the absent parent, whilst still having an understanding the reality that the absent parent cannot care for the child, and is not likely to simply "arrive" and make up for lost time.

   This is a very difficult journey for your daughter however, and is likely to reappear throughout her lifetime as she attempts to understand who she is in context with her paternal side of the family, as well as come to terms with the fact that her father has not been willing or able to develop a relationship with her. Your male family members will be an important male influence for your daughter, however their presence will not necessarily compensate for her father's absence.

   Essentially what you are describing a complex issue which impacts on yourself as a mother as well as your daughter. There is not a "way" to solve or fix this issue, as it is a deeply personal matter. I would encourage you to seek support from a psychologist with expertise in this area to assist you to navigate through the issue, both in light of the present difficulties and with respect to future impacts.

   Belinda Jones
   Quirky Kid Psychologist